Pre-Marital Sex-What's The Big Deal?


Sex is more than just a physical release, it is the mingling of two souls. It is the bearing of yourself to another that is reminiscent of the Garden of Eden in which the man “and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.” However, just as we read in the pages of Genesis, Sin enters the picture, distorting and corrupting God’s good gift to mankind. Sex then becomes something it was never meant to be. For some it becomes a vice to gratify their own selfish desires, for others a weapon to control and manipulate their spouse, and sadly for most it becomes a false god and an identity. I know how difficult it is to be with someone you love, knowing you both desire to spend the rest of your lives together, yet having to restrain yourselves from sexual intimacy because after all, “it is a sin” right?

Tell me, does this scenario ring true for you and the one you love:

You just enjoyed a great meal at home that you made together and the plan is “we’re just going to watch a movie and then call it a night” and at which point your fiancé supposedly should get up, kiss you good night and then drive home to their own place. So you get comfy-cozy on the couch, you enjoy the movie and then after it’s over, what was suppose to be the good night kiss at the door turns into an hour-long make-out session on the sofa leading you to cross that ‘line in the sand’ that you swore the night before you would not cross again. So then you wake up the next day feeling incredibly guilty, only to repeat the matter over and over again, pushing the line in the sand further and further back.

Why does it have to be so difficult?

Perhaps this cycle has exhausted you, causing you to give up on trying to remain sexually pure. “The heck with it” you say. “God knows we are trying, but really… what’s the big deal? After all, we ARE eventually going to be married. Why does a piece of paper really matter anyways? God knows we are married to each other in our hearts.”

The exhaustion of fighting this temptation will usually lead you down a path of rationalization and self-justification. In fact, if you have been a student of the Bible for any length of time and are faced with this kind of sexual temptation, you have probably already come to the rationalization that the Bible never explicitly condemns premarital sex. However, in your attempts to appease your internal guilt, you were probably searching for a specific verse that says, “If a man and a woman are not married to anyone nor to each other, and not engaged to anyone nor to each other, and have sex with each other, that is wrong, thus sayeth the LORD. Thou shalt stop having sex. However, if thou can’t stoppeth having sex, then thou must get married sooneth rather than later.

You can keep looking, but you wont find that verse. So what does the Bible say?

First we will start with Jesus’ words in Mark 10:6-9:

“But from the beginning of creation, ‘God made them male and female.’ ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.”

‘Holding fast’ to your spouse meansthat there is a bond and a commitment to each other that is never meant to be broken. When a man and a woman make this bond/commitment it is then sealed by the two becoming (future tense) “one flesh.”

This bond is such a powerful connection that the wife of King Solomon warns the readers of The Song of Solomon three separate times, “I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem that you not stir up or awaken love until it pleases.” (SOS 2:7, 3:5 & 8:4)

Though you may have every intention of marrying the person you have been sleeping with, you just don’t know what the future holds for you, which is why you should not “stir up” or “awaken” sexual intimacy until you actually marry the person. You are taking a dangerous gamble with your soul by becoming one flesh with someone who has yet to enter into the covenant of marriage with you. Those who have had premarital sex and later broke up with that person can testify to the danger I speak of. It is as if a part of yourself has been imprinted on your partner, and then at the breakupthat part of you is ripped away leaving you hurt and scarred.

God in His desire to protect us from this kind of pain tells us in Exodus 22:16, “If a man seduces a virgin who is not betrothed and lies with her, he shall give the bride-price for her and make her his wife.” The implication of this passage is clear, sex is to come after marriage, never before.

Perhaps as you read this through you are thinking to yourself, “Yeah, but I know we’re not going to break up, so I don’t really need to worry about going through that kind of pain.”

Well, first I would remind you about what the Bible has to say about boasting about tomorrow in James 4:13-17. Second, I would want you to realize that you are intentionally and directly disobeying God’s Word (see verses below). Finally, I hope you’d recognize that you are robbing yourselves of the joy and beauty of God’s wedding gift to you as a couple.

So now you have a few questions to wrestle with.

  • Are you willing to take God at His word and do whatever He asks of you?
  • Do you believe that God knows what is best for your life?
  • Will you submit to His Lordship in regards to your sexuality?

If you claim to be a Christian, then I hope and pray that your answers to these questions will be “Yes.”

I truly know how difficult the temptation is. Please do not read this through a lens of condemnation, but rather as one who has failed to remain sexually pure in past relationships and personally knows the heartache and guilt that comes with premarital sex.

I leave you with these encouragements found in Scripture:

  • For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God.” (1 Thessalonians 4:3-5)
  • Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body. Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.” (1 Corinthians 6:18-20)

If you have blown it like me, believe me when I tell you that there is grace and forgiveness found in Jesus Christ. “You were bought with a price” and that is a price Jesus wanted to pay on your behalf, knowing full well beforehand that you would fail to honor Him with your sexuality. So return to God by fixing your eyes on Jesus and rely on Him for the strength to fight this temptation (you can’t do this on your own). Make the choice to save His wedding gift to you and your fiancé for the wedding night.